Compassion and accountability may, at first glance, seem like unlikely partners. Compassion involves a deep sympathy for suffering or struggle, an appreciation of the error-prone nature of being human and the desire to relieve distress. Accountability is about taking responsibility for yourself, for a situation, for the consequences of your actions.
So, what about when a person needs to make changes in his or her life, to cope with adversity or difficult circumstances, or an illness or a loss? To deal with having been harmed by another, or having done the wrong thing, or fallen short, or been willfully wrongheaded? What if a person needs to heal, to learn different and more effective ways of handling life’s challenges? What helps that person take action? To be empowered?
What works better – compassion or accountability?
One definition of compassion is, “deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it”. A key aspect of compassion is an appreciation that, as human beings, we are all fallible, all suffer, all make mistakes over and over and over. Compassion allows us to open our hearts, to risk connection, to risk feeling our feelings rather than sucking them up or walling them off. We can tolerate distress, keep going. It's empowering.
However, overshooting compassion may risk a slide into pity, even self-pity, and from there, into feeling and acting and being helpless. Deep compassion is hard to hold, it’s challenging and rigorous and can expose you to so much of your pain that you may get overwhelmed and shut down, demoralized and immobilized.
Accountability can be defined as “The quality or state of being accountable; especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.” Firm and resolute, even courageous. Becoming accountable allows us to step up, tell the truth, call things the way they are. Accountability includes making choices and paying attention to results of those choices, informing yourself as you go along, aka, learning from your mistakes. It's empowering.
But, accountability can be taken too far, can go into taking responsibility for things outside of your control, things you can’t really influence. There’s the risk of becoming rigid, overly critical towards yourself or others. People push themselves and push themselves, expecting too much of themselves, feeling inadequate and impotent and resentful.
See where this is going?
We need both. We need compassion and accountability in a dynamic balance within us. We need an appreciation of our limits and fallibility as human beings and a clear-eyed view of the consequences of our actions - on ourselves and on others. Compassion is empowering. It allows us to look fully at how and what it is that we are doing, without making excuses, without being overwhelmed by shame and self-loathing. Accountability is empowering. It gives us the means to step up, take action and, most important – to be curious about how our actions pan out, so we can learn from mistakes and successful efforts alike.
A psychologist friend put it this way - while working with someone who was kicking themselves endlessly for every mistake, large and small alike, she said, "Well, how human of you. You must be very disappointed. I'm sure that I must disappointed, too."
The person stopped and stared at her, shocked. Then, they both started to laugh.
Compassion and accountability in counseling, and, in life.
So, what about when a person needs to make changes in his or her life, to cope with adversity or difficult circumstances, or an illness or a loss? To deal with having been harmed by another, or having done the wrong thing, or fallen short, or been willfully wrongheaded? What if a person needs to heal, to learn different and more effective ways of handling life’s challenges? What helps that person take action? To be empowered?
What works better – compassion or accountability?
One definition of compassion is, “deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it”. A key aspect of compassion is an appreciation that, as human beings, we are all fallible, all suffer, all make mistakes over and over and over. Compassion allows us to open our hearts, to risk connection, to risk feeling our feelings rather than sucking them up or walling them off. We can tolerate distress, keep going. It's empowering.
However, overshooting compassion may risk a slide into pity, even self-pity, and from there, into feeling and acting and being helpless. Deep compassion is hard to hold, it’s challenging and rigorous and can expose you to so much of your pain that you may get overwhelmed and shut down, demoralized and immobilized.
Accountability can be defined as “The quality or state of being accountable; especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.” Firm and resolute, even courageous. Becoming accountable allows us to step up, tell the truth, call things the way they are. Accountability includes making choices and paying attention to results of those choices, informing yourself as you go along, aka, learning from your mistakes. It's empowering.
But, accountability can be taken too far, can go into taking responsibility for things outside of your control, things you can’t really influence. There’s the risk of becoming rigid, overly critical towards yourself or others. People push themselves and push themselves, expecting too much of themselves, feeling inadequate and impotent and resentful.
See where this is going?
We need both. We need compassion and accountability in a dynamic balance within us. We need an appreciation of our limits and fallibility as human beings and a clear-eyed view of the consequences of our actions - on ourselves and on others. Compassion is empowering. It allows us to look fully at how and what it is that we are doing, without making excuses, without being overwhelmed by shame and self-loathing. Accountability is empowering. It gives us the means to step up, take action and, most important – to be curious about how our actions pan out, so we can learn from mistakes and successful efforts alike.
A psychologist friend put it this way - while working with someone who was kicking themselves endlessly for every mistake, large and small alike, she said, "Well, how human of you. You must be very disappointed. I'm sure that I must disappointed, too."
The person stopped and stared at her, shocked. Then, they both started to laugh.
Compassion and accountability in counseling, and, in life.
Image: Tomruen
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